A Breaking Heart

So, I had told you all that I would be writing updates on here about the trip to Haiti. The only times we were able to connect to the internet down there was to write home to let our families know that we were safe and okay. That is why I was not able to update you all while we were in Haiti.

Even as I am back in America, I have put off writing to you all. Before leaving Haiti, I was scared to come back to America. I knew the culture shock that had rocked my world last year when I returned back to the States from being among poverty... and I knew it would shake me again. Being in Haiti, I felt so far away ~ so far away from the "things" of America that suffocate my heart, from the extravagant richness of the American culture that sometimes just simply pains my soul. The deep poverty of Haiti caused me to feel so very far away from America. I breathe in the dust-filled, dirty air of the streets of Haiti and I breathe deeply... and I breathe freedom. It is something that is hard to explain, but it is a freedom that my heart now knows.

It is deeply painful to go to a third-world country. God took me out of the extravagance of America to show me a very poor country and I believe part of the reason for His doing so was to break my heart a little more for the things that break His heart. That was my prayer and I prayed it almost fearfully, knowing that the Lord answers the prayers of a sincere heart... and my prayer was sincere. Yes, my Father answered the prayers of His daughter's aching heart.

It has been painful... heart-wrenching at times. It is painful to see an old lady sitting alongside the busy streets of Haiti, frail and so thin it looks as if she hasn't eaten in weeks... and the reality that she probably hasn't. Or when I see the protruding stomachs of some of the children because they are so malnourished. Or when I see a baby taking a bath in a tub filled with dirty water, as another baby sits naked on the dirt next to him. Or when I meet people who are so content and so joyfully obedient to the Lord and then later realize that these very people are hungry... Reality hits hard. And it puts me to shame.

This, this is how the majority of the world lives. The extravagance of America is not the majority. How I ever got so blessed as to have a sturdy roof over my head, a car of my own, food always in my refrigerator, a variety of clothes to choose from, more than one pair of shoes for my feet, and a job that provides more than I need... I do not quite understand. Yet I said it in Haiti and I say it again ~ I do not want to just go away from this experience with the simple understanding that I am so very blessed. I cannot just come back to America, sit back and sigh with relief as all of my blessings sit around me and say, "Yes, thank You God." No. No, that is wrong. To come back with just that would be selfishness. My Father says, "'Depart from Me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave Me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave Me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite Me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe Me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after Me...I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for Me.'" (Matthew 25:41-43, 45)

At Vacation Bible School, I taught the children about Christ being their only sure Foundation. I was sharing about how God gave everything to us and He wants us to give everything to Him... and I could not share the next line of what I had planned to say. "Everything that we have was given to us by God." Yes, it is true... But I could not say it. It just did not seem right for me to say to these children... because I have more than I need. These children have next to nothing. How could I stand before them and teach them that God wants them to give over everything, when they have next to nothing? How could I stand before them, "rich" compared to them, and tell them that everything that they have was given to them by God? How could I teach them these things when they were the ones who should be teaching me?

And they did teach me. They taught me so much about life and what really matters. These people have next to nothing... some have nothing at all. And yet some of these people are the ones who are stepping up in the churches to lead the people in Christ. These are the ones who have big Dreams to accomplish much for the Kingdom of God, not knowing how the Lord is going to provide but knowing that He is.

It is startling to think that these "things" that I have are actually sometimes a hindrance to my walk with the Lord and accomplishing what He has asked of me. The chilling thought has occurred to me that perhaps the only things I should really have are those things which are resources for furthering God's Kingdom. All other things are only extravagances that can suffocate my heart and cause me to lose focus of the Purpose the Lord has set out for me. If the sole Purpose of my life is to serve the Lord, then I have need for nothing else than what the Lord provides to accomplish His purposes and further His Kingdom.

It is a lot to process. I am responsible for the things that I have seen and felt and experienced and I cannot take that lightly. I do not take that lightly. This passion in my soul is firing up once again. It is hard. I think God gave me more of a glimpse of what it is like for full-time missionaries overseas... the challenges, the heartaches, the exhaustion, the discouragements, the pain, and the joy of knowing that I was exactly where the Lord wanted me to be in that moment.

And that is exactly where I want to stay, all the days of my life. Right where the Lord wants me, wherever that may be. Father, help me with this. I need You to help me with this. Your strength is what sustains me. I have come to the conclusion that You truly are all that I need... sadly, not always all that I desire, but always all that I need. I thank You for that... and I thank You for breaking my heart for the things that break Your heart a little more.

For God so loved the world...

"Jesus, remember me when you come into Your kingdom." (Luke 23:42)

These words were spoken by a criminal... One of the criminals hanging beside Jesus on the Cross. Jesus' response to this criminal was not just relevant to the criminal, but to all of us.


"Jesus answered him, 'I tell you the truth, today you will be with Me in paradise.'" (John 23:43)



Jesus did not ask the criminal, "What criminal offenses have you committed?"

No, Jesus has beautiful eyes of love. He did not come to condemn the world, but to save the world (John 3:17). One of the last things He did before He died was save a criminal.

There is a beautiful, beautiful hope there for you and for me. It is a hope that screams against our thoughts of, "God could never save me out of this sin". It is a hope that pushes against our low expectations of who God is and just what He can do.

It is a hope that is for you, for me, for all of us.

I hear this hope scream out, "Nooo!" when we turn away from our Savior because we think that He could never save us from the wrong that we have done.

If we were to believe that Jesus could not save us from our sins, then we underestimate the power of Christ and His sacrifice for us on the Cross. Jesus came to save the world. He came to save you and He came to save me. It does not matter what wrong we have done. It does not matter how far we have walked in the opposite direction. It does not matter because Jesus came to save the world. He did not come to condemn us, but to save us.

That truth offers me hope that is found nowhere else. That truth offers me forgiveness and a clean start. That truth is found in Jesus Christ, and in Jesus Christ alone.

And tonight, I am rejoicing in that truth.

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

When we wonder if God could possibly forgive us for our sins, we must look to the Cross... to the criminal and to the One who died there to save that criminal and to save you and to save me.

Tonight, I am thankful for this criminal's story... The one who Jesus saved on the Cross. As they were both dying physically, Jesus promised the criminal eternal life in Heaven, in His Kingdom, in paradise that very day. And He offers it to each and every one of us... We are all criminals who have sinned against God and His perfect Law. That is why I am thankful for that criminal's story. I am thankful for my God. I am thankful Jesus saved the criminal and I am thankful that Jesus saved me.

Tonight, I am rejoicing in Him and in His truth and in His promises.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son."
-John 3:17-18

And all because "For God so loved the world" ~ and He so loves you and me.

A Bucket-Sized Faith

"Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ." (Romans 10:17)



I have a story about faith... A faith story that is a piece of my journey. It includes an island over 8,000 miles away and a simple bucket.


In Chuuk, Micronesia most of us on the Team had buckets like these. These buckets held all of our bathroom needs. Here in America, most of us girls would consider this bucket to be a basic necessity... And the one thing that could never be ruined, lost, or misplaced.

The Lord knows my heart. He knows the depths of this heart and He knows just what it needs. He decided to test my faith with this simple bucket.

I was over 8,000 miles away from home. We had been on the main island of Chuuk for the past week and now our Team was splitting up and going to separate islands for the next week of camp. We had all of our things packed. I made sure the bucket was part of what I was taking with me. We sped across the water in the little motor boat... And eventually we ended up on a little island bordered by white beaches and surrounded by the beautiful blue ocean and distant islands dotting the horizon.

When we went into our "home" for the week and decided who would be staying in which room, somehow a piece of what I had brought for the week ended up in someone else's room. My bucket somehow got separated from my other things and misplaced among everyone else's things without any of our knowing where it had gotten to...

I had a decision to make when I realized that I had lost my bucket. Was I going to allow my faith to be so small that it fit inside the bucket or would I allow it to be bigger and to trust that God has a plan for everything? I don't know how, but the Lord gave me the grace and strength to choose to trust Him.

I was on an island over 8,000 miles away from home and everything that was known to me. I brushed my teeth with a bandana and a friend's toothpaste. I put my contacts in a friend's solution in swimming goggles. Somehow, the Lord continually provided and improvisation became my word for the week. Laughter came along with this word as I did what I had to do to live without my bucket.

It brings me to a probing and challenging question. Is my faith sometimes so small that I could place it in a simple bucket and cover it with a lid, as to keep it to myself? Or is my faith bigger than that, so big that I can live without my bucket and most definitely without the lid that covers it?

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1)

We may not be able to physically see God, but are we certain of Him? We may read about and hear about God's promises, but are we sure that He will carry them out? We may say we believe that we are saved and that we will spend eternity with Jesus, but do we have faith enough to be certain of this truth that the Lord tells us?

Or is our faith so compact and small that it fits inside a bucket? If we were to lose that bucket... Whatever that "bucket" may be in our lives right now ~ whether that be a relationship, a job, a bank account, a car, scholarship money, college applications, family, home... If we were to lose that bucket, would we still have our faith? Or is our faith only in that one object, and if that object is lost, would our faith be lost along with it?

I do not want a bucket-sized faith. I want a great faith, a radical faith, a deep and reckless and genuine faith... a faith to move mountains and not just stones... A faith to be sure of what I hope for and to be certain of what I do not see.

That faith is possible through Jesus Christ. The Lord continually reminds me of Philippians 4:13, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." That is why I have the ability to do whatever He asks me to do. How do I get greater faith? "Faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the Word of Christ." (Romans 10:17)

Jerry Falwell explains it in a great way when he says, "When you get the life of God in you, that's the foundation for faith. If you have God's life in your heart, you can trust Him and live as He requires."

I get greater faith by reading God's Word... When I read the words of God, I get to know God better. When I get to know God better, I realize that I am able to trust Him and take Him at His Word... That the best place to put my life is in His hands.

Sometimes these tests of our faith are hard and challenging and exhausting... But they turn into inspiring faith stories that, when looked back on as I have just done, grow my faith even more. To know that the Lord cares about me so much as to allow my faith to be tested so that it can grow is a great honor. It shows His love, though at first while I am being tested I may not realize it.

The Lord does not want us to have bucket-sized faith. Our lives will never be wrecked, they will never be changed, they will never be all that they were made to be if we choose to allow our faith to be so small.

May I place my faith in nothing but in You, Jesus. You are the only constant. You are the only One who never changes, and in this world where everything changes, including friendships and relationships, it is very comforting to know that You are my Rock and my constant. Thank You for all of your promises and truths. I do not understand why You have chosen to love me like this, but I do not need to understand. To understand would take away the deep meaning of the love that you have, a love that passes human understanding. Thank You, Father!

Enough is Enough

"The lyrics for the song 'Big House', which is probably our biggest song, were actually lyrics to a song that the kids in Haiti taught us to sing. If you're a kid living here, you most likely live in a hut with a mud floor and a tin roof. You've got 10 family members sleeping with you. You might even have to sleep in a chair or something. Then one day, you look down the street and see a house. You think, 'I wonder if that's what Heaven is like - a big house with everything we need: a room, a bed and all the food we can eat. Someday, I'll go there, to my Father's house.'"
~Audio Adrenaline

I read these words on the airplane on the way to California. I thought that it was a cool story behind the song and it made me smile to know that children in Haiti sing this song.

Then I took a tour of Los Angeles. I got to see the Walk of Fame, celebrity houses, houses that are famous for being in movies and on TV shows, papparazzi, the famous Hollywood sign, movies being recorded, huge buildings that cost millions of dollars to both build and buy. As I stood on the streets of Hollywood, I basically stood in the center and the capital of America.

I passed huge house after multi-million dollar house. The more I saw, the more my heart sank.

I saw the papparazzi flash their cameras at people... People just like me and you. I saw billions of dollars get put into huge houses with more rooms than one celebrity can possibly use. I saw millions of dollars get put into tours taken around Los Angeles to see these houses where these people live. They may not even live there, but they own them and that is enough to get us excited. I saw the Walk of Fame, where people pay $25,000 to get their name written inside of a star on a sidewalk.

It pains my heart. My heart aches for these people who are caught up in this life of fame and glory and may I add, dissatisfaction. They are constantly striving for more and more. When they reach the top, it is not high enough. I am saying this genuinely. I truly ache for these people who think that this is all there is to life ~ their world of fame and wealth. A little more fame, a little more wealth... Enough is never enough and I do believe that dissatisfaction encompasses the whole place.

It pains my heart. My heart aches for the people all around the world who live off of less than a dollar a day... Not out of choice, but because that is their only option. My heart aches for the over 462,000 orphans in Haiti who could live in the empty bedrooms of the houses of these celebrities in Hollywood. It aches for the over half of the 1.2 million children under five years old in Haiti who suffer from malnutrition, when Hollywood has enough to feed them all.

"I wonder if that is what Heaven is like - a big house with everything we need: a room, a bed and all the food we can eat. Someday, I'll go there, to my Father's house."

It is a cry from a Haitian child's heart.

It is the cry from children's hearts all around the world.

I had to ask myself, "Why?" Why do we strive for this life of fame and glory? Why are we so dissatisfied with ourselves and our lives that enough is never enough? We are never beautiful enough, smart enough, talented enough, athletic enough, rich enough, famous enough, good enough. Why? Who determines whether we are enough?

"I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
-Psalm 139:14

That is what God's Word has to say. Is that not enough? I do believe that it is enough.

My heart is aching. The quote that I read on the plane on the way to California swirled through my mind while I was there, on the ride home, and even now.

"You've got 10 family members sleeping with you. You might even have to sleep in a chair or something. Then one day, you look down the street and see a house. You think, 'I wonder if that's what Heaven is like - a big house with everything we need: a room, a bed and all the food we can eat. Someday, I'll go there, to my Father's house."

This is an injustice... And it pains my heart. Enough is enough.

P.S. I am so very thankful that I had this opportunity to go see these places. I believe that it is another part of this amazing Journey that the Lord is taking me on. I want to thank Emily's parents for flying me out there and giving me this opportunity. Otherwise, I don't think that I would have ever had the opportunity to go. So thank you so much!

No Greater Love

"And this is the Good News, our God became one of us. And this is the Good News, the God of the Universe became a man to stand in the gap for us."
~Dutton

This past weekend I had the great opportunity to go to a youth conference called Planet Wisdom with Dutton, Mark Matlock, and Dawson McAllister. I have never before been shown the reality and gruesome details of Jesus' death like I have this weekend. It really changes everything.

We paint these pretty pictures of Jesus on the Cross, with a few drops of blood on His face from the crown of thorns. We create these beautiful stain glass windows with Jesus painted on them, His body whole on the Cross. We create these mindsets of Jesus not really having that much of a painful death. "Jesus died for you" ~ Yeah, I know. I have heard it all of my life. "Jesus loves you" ~ Yeah, I know. I have been told that more times than I can count.

The truth is, Jesus died for me ~ a painful and gruesome death. Crucifixions were not taken lightly. Jesus was not even recognizable as a human at that point. They - no, I took the whip with its pieces of sharpened bone that pulled at Jesus' flesh and ripped it out. It was my sin that He was dying for, my sin that caused Jesus to have to go to the Cross. It was as if I stood by and watched the scene in mockery. My sin is what drove the nails into Jesus' wrists and feet. It is as if I spit on Him and I mocked Him as He hung on that cross. It is as if I stood by as He was breathing shallowly and quickly, trying to get any breath that He could.

It as if I was right there and I heard Him say, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34)

There is a detail about this story that captures my heart:
"Arriving at Golgotha, the place they call 'Skull Hill,' they offered Him a mild painkiller (a mixture of wine and myrrh), but when He tasted it He would not drink it." (Matthew 27:33-34, the Message)

"But when He tasted it He would not drink it"... But He was in so much pain... so much agony. Why would He not want to take a small painkiller? It is believed by some that Jesus did not want to take it because He had to experience the full extent of our sin.

He was put to so much shame. He was mocked and spit on and laughed at and whipped. He made Himself of no reputation among men. He was humble.

"He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces He was despised, and we esteemed Him not." (Isaiah 53:3)

No one knows sorrow the way that Jesus Christ knew sorrows. And "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8). He understands. And He did it all for us.

There may be skeptics. I was skeptical of Jesus Christ's love for me at one time. But nothing - nothing - can take away the depth of Christ's love for me and for you (Romans 8:38-39). Nothing can take away what He went through on the Cross for each and every one of us that proves His love to us in such an incredible way.

As Dawson McAllister said, it is as if He looked at the pain of the cross, looked at us, looked back at the pain, and then back at us and said, "There is no way that I am turning back. No way." He made His decision while on the Cross. The question is, Have we made ours?

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:2

All for us. All for you. All for me. There is no greater love.

Beautiful Sacrifices

Does God ever ask you to sacrifice something that is near and dear to your heart?

I am thinking of the story of Abraham and Isaac tonight. The Lord asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac, who was so dear to his heart. It is through Isaac that the many descendants whom the Lord promised Abraham would come. It is easy to think that Abraham had no feelings, as if somehow those in "Bible times" are exempt from anything that we feel today.

No, I cannot imagine the anguish in Abraham's heart as he traveled for three days - without turning back - to this place where the Lord wanted him to sacrifice his son, Isaac. "On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance." (Genesis 22:4) I cannot imagine the hard time Abraham must have had when his son said to him, "Father?" (22:7) and questioned his father on where the sacrifice was. I cannot imagine how Abraham kept himself from doubting when he replied, "God Himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." (22:8) I cannot imagine for the life of me how Abraham must have felt as he took his son and tied him down to the altar and reached out his hand with the knife to slay his son.

All for the Lord. All for my God. All for Him, as His servant. He is who I am living for. I believe. I trust. I love. All for the Lord. All for my God.

I really do wonder what was going through Abraham's mind as his arm was in midair and the knife was perhaps just inches from slaying his son, with his own hand.

Whatever was going through Abraham's mind, his thoughts were pierced. "Abraham! Abraham!" (22:11) The Lord was speaking.

"Here I am," (22:11) Abraham replied. Here I am? Even still, Abraham was faithful and willing ~ a true example of a servant of the Lord.

"'Do not lay a hand on the boy,' He said. 'Do not do anything to Him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from Me your son, your only son.' Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns." (22:13) This is amazing. This is what makes my heart skip a beat.

It was the sacrifice that Abraham was looking for; the sacrifice that he told his son that the Lord would provide.

"He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son." (22:13)

It makes me wonder. It really makes me think and evaluate my life. What is near and dear to my heart? What am I not willing to give up? Where am I unfaithful and unwilling and untrue?

This past summer I thought that I was giving up my summer to go overseas to serve the Lord. I was terrified to give up my family, to give up what was comfortable, to give up my home, to give up my normal life. I gave it up and it was all returned to me tenfold and more. It was the best summer of my life.

Sometimes the Lord asks us to give up things that are most precious to us. It is then that our faithfulness to the Lord is tested most. It is then that our love and our obedience and our willingness is tested. It is then that our hearts go through the fire. It is painful at first. It is terrifying. It is heart-wrenching. It is good.

Greater things have yet to come and greater things are still to be done. I believe... I believe in You, God.

This Crazy Beautiful Journey

Summers... They always seem to hold such amazing moments. The first day of summer... There seems to be no day quite like it! A few months of endless possibilities seem to await me ~ sleeping in every day, spending all the time in the world with friends and family, having nothing to do, just being bored. That is what my summers were like even two years ago.

Yet last summer, things completely changed. I did not want the first day of summer to come because I was terrified of the Journey that the summer held. I was going over 8,000 miles away... On an airplane across the ocean, over the open waters, through time zones. I would have never dreamed that I would be doing this. And yet as I sat on the airplane and looked out the window over the ocean and the white caps, I was overtaken. I can still see it. I can see the islands far below me, small dots, places where I have never seen and yet places where the Lord was calling me. It was beautiful. The landing strip on the island that we stayed on was short... Rainy weather could be a hazard. It had been raining before this. We prayed and the plane landed safely.

I took my first step onto the island and I was overtaken ~ at first, by extreme heat. I was actually having a hard time breathing at first because of the stuffy heat... I even asked someone if it was going to be like this the whole time. Yes, God sure was pulling me out of my comfort zone. We walked through immigration and on through the small airport. It still feels like yesterday. There were a crowd of people waiting for us on the other side of the glass windows. I was wondering what God had gotten me into.

I had no idea what He was getting me into as they smiled at us, said hello, and gave us gifts of lei's.

I had no idea that I would never experience life the same way again.

And that is why I am excited. Summers hold a wonderful story. I don't know what it is about them, but they are just wonderful. There is something beautiful about the sun shining down on your face. There is something beautiful about the heat ~ at first it may be hard to get used to, but then you do and you realize the true beauty of the place and of the atmosphere.

I am so excited that the Lord is sending me back to an island country where the heat is extreme. It may sound crazy, and it is... But that is okay. I am okay with crazy. Crazy is where this whole change began. Crazy is what shapes this Journey into an adventure of a lifetime.

Jesus, thank You. Thank You for this wonderful Journey You are taking me on. It is sometimes very hard... And yet it is through the hard times that I realize how weak I am and how strong You are. Thank You for helping me to trust You and thank You so, so much for calling me even when I was sometimes unwilling and so afraid. Thank You for second chances and thank You for loving me.