"At one time or another, we've all been hurt in love relationships. But if we cease to exercise our hearts by loving God and loving others, getting involved and taking risks, our hearts will become diseased and hardened." -Beth Moore
Tonight, this quote by Beth Moore has me thinking. We have all been hurt.. whether by a friend, parent, child, or significant other. When we open our hearts to love, we open it to a lot of other things as well - the risk of hurt, pain, and loss. When we allow another person to enter into our lives, we run the risk of losing them. And the closer they get and the more they know about us and our hurts and struggles and secrets and heart, the more vulnerable we are and the deeper the cut will be if they should decide to leave or if the Lord should suddenly allow them to be taken away.
By all means, then, we must guard our hearts. Barricade them with high, steel walls that nothing can penetrate. Surround them with the rocks of cynicism, sarcasm, and stubbornness. Never allow anyone through, never let anyone see past, never let anyone step foot within a hundred feet of the walls.
We can easily justify these walls with the idea of "guarding our hearts." Yes, the Lord does command us to guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). This idea of "guarding your heart" refers to every area of our lives - what we allow to flow into it from media, from sources of entertainment, from conversations, from friends. "For from it flow the springs of life" (Proverbs 4:23). May we keep our hearts pure for this very reason. May we do all that we can to keep our hearts pure before our holy God. With all vigilance, may we guard our hearts from all that is unclean and impure. In that sense, by all means let's guard our hearts. We are commanded to do so. No less is expected of us. "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life" (Proverbs 4:23).
The question that is piercing my heart tonight, convicting and challenging me, is what have I found so selfless about guarding my heart from love and loving others? What have I found so valiant, so courageous, so heroic about hiding behind the barricade I have so carefully surrounded my heart with? What good do I see in the cynicism, in the sarcasm, in the stubbornness that have sometimes become my "cop-out" from facing what is behind the walls, underneath the rubbish, hidden deep within my heart? Is it not a selfish thing to guard my heart from loving others?
Yes, it is a risk to love. I am not even solely talking about the love that is found between a couple, although that is part of it. I am talking about the risk that it is to love the little girl who is a challenge to work with, the teenager who cuts you deep with his harsh words against you, the old person who has stubbornly decided their own way. What about the outcasts in society, or the AIDS orphans that no one else wants to hold, or the employee that everyone constantly complains about and no one likes? Or the parents who you never see and who have done nothing but hurt you all of your life? What about the church member who sits in the back of the building every week as an outcast because of the smell of smoke and alcohol that often permeate from her?
Church, are we loving? Love is a verb. Are we loving those around us? Do we risk our own hurt and pain in order to love others? Why? Why would we ever risk our own hurt and pain to love those around us who do not deserve any love at all? I guess a better question would be, why did Christ risk His own hurt and pain and suffering to love us, who do not deserve any love at all? We are to love as Christ loved us (John 13:34-35) and that means unconditionally, without reserve, without favoritism, and without looking to our own needs and interests before the needs and interests of others. It's what He did for me and for you, and that is why we have no reason - no excuse whatsoever - to not do the same. We will love imperfectly, yes, but we must still love. For it is through our imperfections that the Lord's glory shines (2 Corinthians 12:9). And it is for His glory that we live and love.
So as for guarding my heart, yes, I will guard my heart with all vigilance. With all of my ability, I will do my part to keep my heart guarded from all that is impure and unclean. But I will not tolerate these walls any longer. These walls are my enemy, dressed as my friend. They are keeping my heart safe from hurt and pain and suffering and the admittance of all of these things in my life. They are keeping me safe from the risk of loss. Yet they are paralyzing me in my ability to love. Behind these walls, I cannot love. These walls may help me to look perfect, spiritual, cleaned up, and pure. Yet they are only there so that no one can see what lies behind them... the coward who refuses to love out of fear of rejection, of pain, of loss. What selfishness. What joy we often forfeit all because we do not know the reward of loving others the way that the Lord has loved us - unconditionally, undeservingly, unwaveringly. The Lord has placed those whom He has placed in my life to love, in the truest meaning of the word. This means that I will love my parents, I will love my brother and my sister and my friends and my boyfriend and my co-workers.
Will I get hurt? Yes, because no one is perfect and therefore no one loves perfectly. In my vulnerability, do I run the risk of rejection and pain? No doubt. Yet Christ, naked and broken and bleeding on the cross, is a picture of the most vulnerable love has ever been. And that love was for me and for you, and therefore I have no excuse to love any less than He has shown His love to me.
Let's love, Church. Let's break down these walls and allow ourselves to love as Christ has first loved us.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
The Fog
Life. The best way that I know how to describe it is as a path... a short, but windy path that I can never predict and can never plan for. There is a fog on this path, a thick fog that I cannot see through and that never goes away. I can dream about what is past that fog; I can think and pray and hope, but I can never know for sure. Sometimes, the mystery behind the fog excites me; most times, I stand on the path and stare into the fog in confusion, longing to know what lies behind it, but often too scared to step into it.
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for His name’s sake.
-Psalm 23:1-3
Sometimes, on this pathway of life, the Lord asks me to make decisions - some small, some life-altering. If I can't see beyond the fog on my own path, then I can't expect those around me to be able to see any more clearly beyond it. Oftentimes, I cannot understand why I am making a decision except for the fact that the Lord is asking me to make it; and, therefore, I cannot expect those around me to understand, either. This is when I fall back into my Father's arms and I am overwhelmed by the peace that I have that I do not understand - and I am able to rest. Sometimes, I seek after the Lord so hard and so long about a decision, and the only answer that I get is peace. It's an excited, peaceful, "I don't understand this or how this is going to work" feeling. Yet it is a peace, and I can rest in His peace, and so I move on. I step forward into the fog, shaking and weak and scared, yet reaching out for the Hand that beckons me - and I grasp it tightly and I take a breath and I trust.
"You can't steal second base if you still have one foot on first."
I have to learn to let go of the things which are behind me if I am to move forward - with both feet - into the fog. The only reason that I can do this is because my God's Name is El Roi - "the God who sees" me right where I am. My God's Name is El Shaddai - "God all sufficient," able to provide for my every need. My God's Name is Jehovah Nissi - "The Lord our banner," and His banner over me is love (Song of Solomon 2:4). My God's Name is Jehovah-Shalom - "The Lord our peace," and this is a peace that passes my understanding (Romans 5:1). My God's Name is Jehovah-Shammah - "The Lord is present with us," never leaving me to be alone (Hebrews 13:5). My God's Name is Jehovah-Raah - "The Lord our Shepherd," and He leads me and guides me in His wisdom. And my God's Name is Abba Father - my protector, my friend, my rock, my fortress, the lover of my soul.
Yet the snare that often wraps itself around me, causing me to stumble, is the fact that the Lord often says "no" to things that I have thought were so right for so long. Sometimes, I ask Him why He says "no," why I can't have what I have longed for for so long. And then I realize that maybe I have been asking the wrong question all along. "In all your ways submit to Me, and I will make your path straight," He says to me (Proverbs 3:6). He may say "no" to something that I have prayed for, longed for, and sought after for so long - but He never says "no" to His Plan, to the way that He has shaped my path before I was even born. His Plan has been and is and will be forever... it has never changed, is not changing, and will never change. It is eternal, and it is best - best for His Kingdom purposes and best for my life. When I come to truly believe that and completely trust Him in that is when I will realize that the right question is not, "Why have You said no to this thing that I have longed for?" but, "Why am I so loved by You, so covered in Your grace, so held in Your hand that You have chosen to protect me from the things that only You can see?" Sometimes, the Lord gives us a glimpse into His reason for things; every time, He has a reason more perfect than any we could ever have.
I can't see past the fog on this pathway of my life. I am not supposed to. I am only responsible to be faithful to the Lord with every step of my life - to obey Him every step of the way, even when I do not understand. I am not supposed to understand. I am only responsible to trust Him when He asks me to move forward, even when I cannot see what lies ahead. I am not supposed to see what lies ahead. I am only to reach out for His hand that is already reached out for mine, and to cling to it with my life, knowing that I can trust Him with everything.
And, when I view the fog in that light, I am able to rest. When I see God for Who He really is - a God whose Plan has not changed, is not changing, and will never change, a God who keeps His promises forever, a God who loves me so much that He desires to protect me from the things that I cannot see - when I see God as the God that He really is, I am able to rest. And so, tonight, I am resting and thanking God for the fog.
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for His name’s sake.
-Psalm 23:1-3
Sometimes, on this pathway of life, the Lord asks me to make decisions - some small, some life-altering. If I can't see beyond the fog on my own path, then I can't expect those around me to be able to see any more clearly beyond it. Oftentimes, I cannot understand why I am making a decision except for the fact that the Lord is asking me to make it; and, therefore, I cannot expect those around me to understand, either. This is when I fall back into my Father's arms and I am overwhelmed by the peace that I have that I do not understand - and I am able to rest. Sometimes, I seek after the Lord so hard and so long about a decision, and the only answer that I get is peace. It's an excited, peaceful, "I don't understand this or how this is going to work" feeling. Yet it is a peace, and I can rest in His peace, and so I move on. I step forward into the fog, shaking and weak and scared, yet reaching out for the Hand that beckons me - and I grasp it tightly and I take a breath and I trust.
"You can't steal second base if you still have one foot on first."
I have to learn to let go of the things which are behind me if I am to move forward - with both feet - into the fog. The only reason that I can do this is because my God's Name is El Roi - "the God who sees" me right where I am. My God's Name is El Shaddai - "God all sufficient," able to provide for my every need. My God's Name is Jehovah Nissi - "The Lord our banner," and His banner over me is love (Song of Solomon 2:4). My God's Name is Jehovah-Shalom - "The Lord our peace," and this is a peace that passes my understanding (Romans 5:1). My God's Name is Jehovah-Shammah - "The Lord is present with us," never leaving me to be alone (Hebrews 13:5). My God's Name is Jehovah-Raah - "The Lord our Shepherd," and He leads me and guides me in His wisdom. And my God's Name is Abba Father - my protector, my friend, my rock, my fortress, the lover of my soul.
Yet the snare that often wraps itself around me, causing me to stumble, is the fact that the Lord often says "no" to things that I have thought were so right for so long. Sometimes, I ask Him why He says "no," why I can't have what I have longed for for so long. And then I realize that maybe I have been asking the wrong question all along. "In all your ways submit to Me, and I will make your path straight," He says to me (Proverbs 3:6). He may say "no" to something that I have prayed for, longed for, and sought after for so long - but He never says "no" to His Plan, to the way that He has shaped my path before I was even born. His Plan has been and is and will be forever... it has never changed, is not changing, and will never change. It is eternal, and it is best - best for His Kingdom purposes and best for my life. When I come to truly believe that and completely trust Him in that is when I will realize that the right question is not, "Why have You said no to this thing that I have longed for?" but, "Why am I so loved by You, so covered in Your grace, so held in Your hand that You have chosen to protect me from the things that only You can see?" Sometimes, the Lord gives us a glimpse into His reason for things; every time, He has a reason more perfect than any we could ever have.
I can't see past the fog on this pathway of my life. I am not supposed to. I am only responsible to be faithful to the Lord with every step of my life - to obey Him every step of the way, even when I do not understand. I am not supposed to understand. I am only responsible to trust Him when He asks me to move forward, even when I cannot see what lies ahead. I am not supposed to see what lies ahead. I am only to reach out for His hand that is already reached out for mine, and to cling to it with my life, knowing that I can trust Him with everything.
And, when I view the fog in that light, I am able to rest. When I see God for Who He really is - a God whose Plan has not changed, is not changing, and will never change, a God who keeps His promises forever, a God who loves me so much that He desires to protect me from the things that I cannot see - when I see God as the God that He really is, I am able to rest. And so, tonight, I am resting and thanking God for the fog.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
The Climb
This post goes out to my dad, because I know without a doubt that I would not be who or where I am today without him:
I climb the small hills that surround the creek, one slippery rock at a time. It was my favorite part about going fishing with Dad. Whether or not I caught a fish did not matter in comparison to the sense of adventure that I felt when walking through the woods with Dad. Except for the morning that my brother came along with us, and I caught a fish before they ever did. Dad’s face lit up with such a sense of joy and pride, and my little eight-year-old heart could not have felt prouder. I always made Dad put the worm on the hook, but as soon as he got the line ready for me, I would fling the line out and it would land on the water with a smooth plop. I would stare at the bright orange bobber that sat calmly on the surface, listening to nothing but the water as it calmly ran downstream, the birds’ early morning song, and the occasional woodpecker that would try in vain to interrupt. Most of the time it was just me and Dad, and we often sat in silence as to not disrupt the fish. After a few hours, we would climb through the woods and over the rocks, back to his grey Chevy pick-up truck. Whether or not we caught a fish, we both knew without a word that it was a successful day.
Ten years later,
and I am again climbing. This time, it’s the small slope up the ramp that leads
to the airplane that promises to take me three states away from Dad – Dad and
Mom and my brother and sister and all that I knew and loved. Whether or not I
got a window seat or sat uncomfortably in between two overweight men did not matter to me in
comparison to the weight of overwhelming desperation that was lying heavy on my
heart – desperation for things to be back to the way that they always were. I
looked back and saw Dad standing at the top of the stairs. His face lit up with
such a sense of joy and pride in the woman that I had become, and tears sprang
to my eyes because my eighteen-year-old heart could not have felt prouder. Dad
had gotten the line ready for me. He had done his part in raising me to become
the woman that I was, and now it was time for me to fling the line out – to step
out into the unknown, to walk into the adventure that was before me, to “put
the worm on the hook” for myself as Dad had taught me to do. Looking back at
Dad, it was clear that we both knew without a word that these eighteen years
were a success. Now it was my turn to pass on what he had taught me, and to
step out into this season of life that he had been preparing me for all these years.
Early Saturday morning fishing adventures were only just a part of it.
I climb the small hills that surround the creek, one slippery rock at a time. It was my favorite part about going fishing with Dad. Whether or not I caught a fish did not matter in comparison to the sense of adventure that I felt when walking through the woods with Dad. Except for the morning that my brother came along with us, and I caught a fish before they ever did. Dad’s face lit up with such a sense of joy and pride, and my little eight-year-old heart could not have felt prouder. I always made Dad put the worm on the hook, but as soon as he got the line ready for me, I would fling the line out and it would land on the water with a smooth plop. I would stare at the bright orange bobber that sat calmly on the surface, listening to nothing but the water as it calmly ran downstream, the birds’ early morning song, and the occasional woodpecker that would try in vain to interrupt. Most of the time it was just me and Dad, and we often sat in silence as to not disrupt the fish. After a few hours, we would climb through the woods and over the rocks, back to his grey Chevy pick-up truck. Whether or not we caught a fish, we both knew without a word that it was a successful day.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
The Refiner's Fire
It's good to be home.
To be away from my job (even though it is great), my classes (even though I am learning so much in them), my city (even though I have learned how to love it), and even my friends (even though they are wonderful). It is just good to be away from everything and to be at home, with my family and friends here, and to be refreshed by them and by this wonderful country air that I seem to love and appreciate even more now than ever.
To be refreshed and to reflect. That is what I have been doing. I have been reflecting on how difficult and wonderful this semester has been. Difficult in that it has been so challenging both mentally and spiritually. Wonderful in that, in the process, I am being refined by the Great Refiner into more of who He wants me to be.
This semester has been different. It has been more than I thought it would be and it has been less than I thought it would be. It has been filled with changing friendships, deepening friendships, weekends running away from everything with my roommate, learning how to write and preach an exegetical message for a women's class and being so stretched in this new challenge, meeting Nancy Leigh DeMoss and being reminded of how faithful my God is, being given a job that I could have never asked for, more homesickness than I have ever experienced, two bouts of sickness that left me in bed and even more homesick, being challenged in my faith and in my beliefs, being stripped of the legalism of my past, making decisions that caused my heart to battle so fiercely within that I have fallen to my knees in desperate prayer, crying through Psalms on the roof, waging war against the powerful assault of doubts from the Enemy, learning how to read God's Word with the deep realization that it is truly living and active, and falling more in love with my Savior as I get to know my rebellious and sinful state more and Him and His great grace and love better. Yes, this semester has been different. It has been more and it has been less than I thought it would be and it has been wonderful and it has been challenging.
Overall, it has been extremely refining.
The dictionary defines this word, "refine," as "remove impurities: to produce a purer form of something by removing the impurities from it, or become pure through such a process" or "make something more effective: to improve something through small changes that make it more effective or more subtle."
This is what the Lord has been doing in my life. He has been removing my impurities to produce a purer heart within so that I may be more effective for ministry to further His Kingdom. It is so painful to go through the Refiner's Fire. Some days, it is excruciating as I feel as though I am standing in the front lines of a full fledged battle and the Enemy's troops look so much fiercer and bigger and stronger than me. And then I remember the Armor of the Lord (Ephesians 6) that I wear and I remember the One who not only stands before me, but goes with me. I remember the promise of the outcome of this Fire and I sometimes whisper, sometimes scream, back to the Lord, "Let it be so!"
The outcome of this Refiner's Fire is purity. It is effectiveness. It is being purified, as with fire, of all of the things in my heart and life that are not of the Lord so that I can be more effective for His Kingdom. It is excruciatingly painful at times, this Refiner's Fire. Not only does this fire purify my heart of all of its impurities (which are so ugly and painful to look at and face in the light of the Fire), but it purifies my life of all of the actions, habits, relationships, and beliefs that are not of the Lord. Sometimes I scream out to the Lord to please give me a break from the Fire, to please allow me to "just be" for a moment.
And then I realize that what I am asking from Him is to be removed from His hand as He is guiding me through the Fire, so that I can sit in the scum of the world for a while. It would sure be easier that way - to be able to make my own choices based on my feelings and not on the Truth of His Word, to be able to live my life my own way and on my own time instead of His way and His time, to be able to compromise and live like the world for just a moment.
To get to the heart of the matter, I must ask the question: "Why?" Why don't I just remove myself from this Fire if it is this painful? Why don't I just live my life my own way, based on my feelings and not His Truth, if it would be so easier that way? The Lord asked me that question tonight. It stopped me in my tracks.
And then I felt Him whisper to my heart, "Would you trade knowing Me for this easier path?" Tears sprang to my eyes as I whispered back, "No. I would not trade knowing You for the world." This is why I choose to be thankful for the Refiner's Fire, for through it I am purified and made more effective for His Kingdom. This is why I can smile under the Potter's Hand, for it is under His hand that I am shaped into who He wants me to be. This is why I choose to live in relationship with Him and to live in light of His will, His plan, and His life for me. To whom shall I go? I know too much of His faithfulness, too much of His love, too much of Him to ever step foot outside of the Fire. Knowing Him is the great reward of this life. Getting to know Him better every day is the great joy of it.
In this Fire, the Lord is more real to me than He has ever been. His Word to me is more living and active than I have ever noticed it to be. He is more trustworthy and faithful than I have ever known Him to be. Therefore, I trust that He knows exactly what I need in each season of my life and, because of that, I have exactly what I need in this season.
Yes, this Refiner's Fire is painful. It is more challenging than I ever expected it to be. Why do I stay? A better question to ask is, To whom else shall I go? There is nothing and no One who compares to this One. And, therefore, I say with earnestness and desperation and tears, I would not trade this for the world.
"I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The LORD is our God.’”
-Zechariah 13:9
All of life is meaningless if I am not His and He is not mine. Therefore, to the Fire and the Refiner behind it Who I trust and love with my life, I say: So be it. Purify me that I may be made more effective for Your Kingdom. It is the great reward of my life to know You and the great joy of my life to get to know You more.
To be away from my job (even though it is great), my classes (even though I am learning so much in them), my city (even though I have learned how to love it), and even my friends (even though they are wonderful). It is just good to be away from everything and to be at home, with my family and friends here, and to be refreshed by them and by this wonderful country air that I seem to love and appreciate even more now than ever.
To be refreshed and to reflect. That is what I have been doing. I have been reflecting on how difficult and wonderful this semester has been. Difficult in that it has been so challenging both mentally and spiritually. Wonderful in that, in the process, I am being refined by the Great Refiner into more of who He wants me to be.
This semester has been different. It has been more than I thought it would be and it has been less than I thought it would be. It has been filled with changing friendships, deepening friendships, weekends running away from everything with my roommate, learning how to write and preach an exegetical message for a women's class and being so stretched in this new challenge, meeting Nancy Leigh DeMoss and being reminded of how faithful my God is, being given a job that I could have never asked for, more homesickness than I have ever experienced, two bouts of sickness that left me in bed and even more homesick, being challenged in my faith and in my beliefs, being stripped of the legalism of my past, making decisions that caused my heart to battle so fiercely within that I have fallen to my knees in desperate prayer, crying through Psalms on the roof, waging war against the powerful assault of doubts from the Enemy, learning how to read God's Word with the deep realization that it is truly living and active, and falling more in love with my Savior as I get to know my rebellious and sinful state more and Him and His great grace and love better. Yes, this semester has been different. It has been more and it has been less than I thought it would be and it has been wonderful and it has been challenging.
Overall, it has been extremely refining.
The dictionary defines this word, "refine," as "remove impurities: to produce a purer form of something by removing the impurities from it, or become pure through such a process" or "make something more effective: to improve something through small changes that make it more effective or more subtle."
This is what the Lord has been doing in my life. He has been removing my impurities to produce a purer heart within so that I may be more effective for ministry to further His Kingdom. It is so painful to go through the Refiner's Fire. Some days, it is excruciating as I feel as though I am standing in the front lines of a full fledged battle and the Enemy's troops look so much fiercer and bigger and stronger than me. And then I remember the Armor of the Lord (Ephesians 6) that I wear and I remember the One who not only stands before me, but goes with me. I remember the promise of the outcome of this Fire and I sometimes whisper, sometimes scream, back to the Lord, "Let it be so!"
The outcome of this Refiner's Fire is purity. It is effectiveness. It is being purified, as with fire, of all of the things in my heart and life that are not of the Lord so that I can be more effective for His Kingdom. It is excruciatingly painful at times, this Refiner's Fire. Not only does this fire purify my heart of all of its impurities (which are so ugly and painful to look at and face in the light of the Fire), but it purifies my life of all of the actions, habits, relationships, and beliefs that are not of the Lord. Sometimes I scream out to the Lord to please give me a break from the Fire, to please allow me to "just be" for a moment.
And then I realize that what I am asking from Him is to be removed from His hand as He is guiding me through the Fire, so that I can sit in the scum of the world for a while. It would sure be easier that way - to be able to make my own choices based on my feelings and not on the Truth of His Word, to be able to live my life my own way and on my own time instead of His way and His time, to be able to compromise and live like the world for just a moment.
To get to the heart of the matter, I must ask the question: "Why?" Why don't I just remove myself from this Fire if it is this painful? Why don't I just live my life my own way, based on my feelings and not His Truth, if it would be so easier that way? The Lord asked me that question tonight. It stopped me in my tracks.
And then I felt Him whisper to my heart, "Would you trade knowing Me for this easier path?" Tears sprang to my eyes as I whispered back, "No. I would not trade knowing You for the world." This is why I choose to be thankful for the Refiner's Fire, for through it I am purified and made more effective for His Kingdom. This is why I can smile under the Potter's Hand, for it is under His hand that I am shaped into who He wants me to be. This is why I choose to live in relationship with Him and to live in light of His will, His plan, and His life for me. To whom shall I go? I know too much of His faithfulness, too much of His love, too much of Him to ever step foot outside of the Fire. Knowing Him is the great reward of this life. Getting to know Him better every day is the great joy of it.
In this Fire, the Lord is more real to me than He has ever been. His Word to me is more living and active than I have ever noticed it to be. He is more trustworthy and faithful than I have ever known Him to be. Therefore, I trust that He knows exactly what I need in each season of my life and, because of that, I have exactly what I need in this season.
Yes, this Refiner's Fire is painful. It is more challenging than I ever expected it to be. Why do I stay? A better question to ask is, To whom else shall I go? There is nothing and no One who compares to this One. And, therefore, I say with earnestness and desperation and tears, I would not trade this for the world.
"I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The LORD is our God.’”
-Zechariah 13:9
All of life is meaningless if I am not His and He is not mine. Therefore, to the Fire and the Refiner behind it Who I trust and love with my life, I say: So be it. Purify me that I may be made more effective for Your Kingdom. It is the great reward of my life to know You and the great joy of my life to get to know You more.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
When the Treasure Becomes Terrifying
It was just a fun night at the lake. It was just me and my friends filling the Chicago air with laughter.
Laughter. Fun. Happiness. We were carefree.
I looked out into the dark lake, as I have done so many times over this past year and a half.
But I was the only one looking. And as I stared out into the lake, a glowing circle fell from the sky. "Was that the moon?" I asked my friends. My answer came when an electric explosion rose from the lake. I knew that it was the moon the instant everything grew the blackest of black that I had ever seen.
Chaos ensued. I noticed for the first time the crowds of people that surrounded me. My friends and I were not alone. There were cries of desperation and devastation as the crowds had no idea what was going on. I became frantic. I knew.
I knew that Jesus was returning soon - at any moment. I knew that I was going to be with Him soon. I also knew that this crowd of people around me did not know where they were going because they were frantically searching for answers in the dark. I cried out to my friends, "We have to tell them! We have to tell them where they're going! We have to tell them that there is hope. This is our last and only chance!" I cried out in desperation.
And then I woke up.
I was thankful that this dream wasn't a reality. It was vivid. It felt real. But I woke up in my room, in my dorm at school, just like any other day. What did this mean? I didn't think too much of it that day.
Then I went out into the city. As I began to walk across the crosswalk, I flippantly commented to my roommate, "Sometimes I forget that these cars have people in them." I didn't think much of it until she looked back at me and said, "Wow, that was deep." I didn't mean for it to be deep. Actually, I didn't mean anything profound by it at all. But she got me thinking. I have forgotten. I have forgotten that this city is filled with real people with real needs and a real eternity ahead of them.
Then I rode on a city bus. I looked around at all of the faces before me who have so easily just blended together as I mind my own business, go where I need to go, and hardly acknowledge their presence. That night was different. The Lord brought back my dream. He brought back the flippant remark I had made about forgetting that the hundreds of cars around me are filled with people. And my heart broke. I have become numb. I study at Moody Bible Institute. Every day, I am being prepared for more ministry. Every day, I have conversations with friends about the Lord and His work in our lives and where He is leading us. Every single day.
And, yet, I have lost myself in theology. I have lost myself in my pile of books, in my twelve page papers, in my hours of classes and work. I have lost myself in the petty controversial issues that ensnare the Church. Although I believe it is good to talk about these issues and although I am thoroughly enjoying and learning from my time here at Moody and although I feel extremely blessed because I know that I am, I have forgotten.
I have forgotten about the moment a year and a half ago when I looked out over the city from the hotel window when I was visiting Chicago for the first time. I have forgotten the brokenness that my heart felt for the hundreds of people that I saw walking in crowds. I saw them as individuals then, as individual hearts in need of a Savior.
Now I just see crowds. Crowds and cars and faces without souls. I am thankful that my dream was not a reality. I am thankful that I can take it as a wake-up call. I am not sure what to do about it now. I don't even know what my next step is yet... but I know that the Lord has not placed me here in this great city to study at this great college to selfishly hoard my faith. It is a treasure that must be shared.
"For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness' made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." -2 Corinthians 4:6-7
It is a treasure not meant to be hoarded or stashed away. If it were meant to be, Jesus would have never come. There is no joy in selfishly hoarding our faith. Actually, it becomes terrifying when I hoard it. Images of my dream, of the people frantically searching in the dark for hope, flood back to me and it haunts me. Some of those people in that crowd are people that I know. Others are strangers whom I have never met. All of them are people that Christ has died for.
It is a treasure meant to give away, for to us it has been given. Eternity is before us and we must not forget the reality we are living in that we will enter His presence at any moment.
Let's not forget or become numb. May I give my life away for the King and His Kingdom, for it is my desire that when He returns, I will not be found hoarding this Treasure.
Laughter. Fun. Happiness. We were carefree.
I looked out into the dark lake, as I have done so many times over this past year and a half.
But I was the only one looking. And as I stared out into the lake, a glowing circle fell from the sky. "Was that the moon?" I asked my friends. My answer came when an electric explosion rose from the lake. I knew that it was the moon the instant everything grew the blackest of black that I had ever seen.
Chaos ensued. I noticed for the first time the crowds of people that surrounded me. My friends and I were not alone. There were cries of desperation and devastation as the crowds had no idea what was going on. I became frantic. I knew.
I knew that Jesus was returning soon - at any moment. I knew that I was going to be with Him soon. I also knew that this crowd of people around me did not know where they were going because they were frantically searching for answers in the dark. I cried out to my friends, "We have to tell them! We have to tell them where they're going! We have to tell them that there is hope. This is our last and only chance!" I cried out in desperation.
And then I woke up.
I was thankful that this dream wasn't a reality. It was vivid. It felt real. But I woke up in my room, in my dorm at school, just like any other day. What did this mean? I didn't think too much of it that day.
Then I went out into the city. As I began to walk across the crosswalk, I flippantly commented to my roommate, "Sometimes I forget that these cars have people in them." I didn't think much of it until she looked back at me and said, "Wow, that was deep." I didn't mean for it to be deep. Actually, I didn't mean anything profound by it at all. But she got me thinking. I have forgotten. I have forgotten that this city is filled with real people with real needs and a real eternity ahead of them.
Then I rode on a city bus. I looked around at all of the faces before me who have so easily just blended together as I mind my own business, go where I need to go, and hardly acknowledge their presence. That night was different. The Lord brought back my dream. He brought back the flippant remark I had made about forgetting that the hundreds of cars around me are filled with people. And my heart broke. I have become numb. I study at Moody Bible Institute. Every day, I am being prepared for more ministry. Every day, I have conversations with friends about the Lord and His work in our lives and where He is leading us. Every single day.
And, yet, I have lost myself in theology. I have lost myself in my pile of books, in my twelve page papers, in my hours of classes and work. I have lost myself in the petty controversial issues that ensnare the Church. Although I believe it is good to talk about these issues and although I am thoroughly enjoying and learning from my time here at Moody and although I feel extremely blessed because I know that I am, I have forgotten.
I have forgotten about the moment a year and a half ago when I looked out over the city from the hotel window when I was visiting Chicago for the first time. I have forgotten the brokenness that my heart felt for the hundreds of people that I saw walking in crowds. I saw them as individuals then, as individual hearts in need of a Savior.
Now I just see crowds. Crowds and cars and faces without souls. I am thankful that my dream was not a reality. I am thankful that I can take it as a wake-up call. I am not sure what to do about it now. I don't even know what my next step is yet... but I know that the Lord has not placed me here in this great city to study at this great college to selfishly hoard my faith. It is a treasure that must be shared.
"For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness' made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." -2 Corinthians 4:6-7
It is a treasure not meant to be hoarded or stashed away. If it were meant to be, Jesus would have never come. There is no joy in selfishly hoarding our faith. Actually, it becomes terrifying when I hoard it. Images of my dream, of the people frantically searching in the dark for hope, flood back to me and it haunts me. Some of those people in that crowd are people that I know. Others are strangers whom I have never met. All of them are people that Christ has died for.
It is a treasure meant to give away, for to us it has been given. Eternity is before us and we must not forget the reality we are living in that we will enter His presence at any moment.
Let's not forget or become numb. May I give my life away for the King and His Kingdom, for it is my desire that when He returns, I will not be found hoarding this Treasure.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Poisonous Perfection
I had it all together. I was the youth group student leader, Bible Study teacher, AWANA Cubbies helper, missions committee member, once-a-year-every-year short-term missions trip participant, Jr. Church teacher, small group leader, advice giver, counseler, devotional writer, Christian website administrator, campaign coordinator, twice-a-week church going girl. This was me. I was "perfect." No, really, those around me used the word to describe me more than once. I "had it all together." My family life was one of encouragement, support, and joy. My friendships were deep, loving, and wonderful. I never made a mistake - or, at least, that was the impression of those around me. Life was good. I was serving the King. My days were bliss.
And then I came to the end of myself. This "perfect" life had become a poison. I cringe when I think of how easily others considered me to be this perfect girl who led a perfect life. How disgusting. How fake. How unloving and pious and ugly and ungenuine. How Pharaisaical. How displeasing to the Lord. It was an oxymoron of a life, really; I was striving so hard to please the Lord so perfectly that, in the process, I was really only displeasing Him.
Why do I say that? Because the Lord desires a relationship with us - a pure, humble, genuine relationship. He desires that we live in unity and love with one another. This includes serving, yes; it also sometimes includes letting our guards down, admitting that we truly are not perfect, and in humility considering others better than ourselves. This wasn't me. I was the girl with all of her walls up, never admitting any failures with anyone, and always (even if subconsciously) considering herself to be leading a much better, pure life than those around her.
How disgusting. How fake and unloving and pious and ugly and displeasing to the Lord.
"God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble" (James 4:6).
Ouch. Those words are like a piercing arrow to my heart. Really. It hurts. Again, it's an oxymoron, but although this verse hurts my heart because I know that I am prideful, it also just plain hurts my pride. God opposes me? No way. That is impossible. And in my stubborn pride I once again go back to my pharaisaical, Martha way of living.
How disgusting. How fake and unloving and pious and ugly and displeasing to the Lord.
How untruthful. In putting on the facade of "having it all together" and "never making a mistake" and "living a perfect life," I was living a complete and flat-out lie.
The truth is, I am not perfect. In bringing me to Moody Bible Institute, the Lord has been bringing me to terms with that fact. Here, I am broken. I am so, so imperfect. I thought that I knew everything there was to know about the Bible; every day, I am continuing to learn more and as a result, realizing just how much I do not know. I thought that I was a brilliant teacher; I have taken Studying and Teaching the Bible and Message Preparation for Women and have been brought to some of my lowest points in realizing how ineloquent I am. I thought that I was a wonderful leader; I am continually humbled every day by the amazing men and women of the Lord around me who lead in a way that I have never seen, let alone have been able to do myself. I thought that I was strong and unable to be broken by anyone or anything; thank the Lord, that isn't true either.
The truth is, I am more broken now than I ever have been in my life. The Lord has stripped me down of everything that I ever was or thought I was and is continually, slowly building me back up into who He wants me to be. It's beautiful. It's painful. It's lovely and it's hard and it's necessary. I do not want to enter the Lord's presence one day having lived my life as a lie before others - having put on the facade that somehow I am the only one on the planet who truly has it together. Because the truth is, only the Lord Jesus Christ truly had it all together. We are broken people in need of a Savior to make us whole. Thank the Lord, He has sent us that Savior.
In my brokenness, I am free. In my shortcomings and failures and mistakes, I am human. In my desperation and repentance to the Lord, I am healed. In my admittance to those around me that I am imperfect, I am free - free to love others and to be loved in return. What a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders - and only because it has been placed on the One who walked to Calvary for me. Praise Jesus. Thank you, Lord.
It brings tears to my eyes and a heaviness to my heart to think of this oxymoron of a life that I have lived. Pride is dangerous and subtle and directly of the Enemy of our souls, who desires to see us living these pent-up lives of poisonous perfection. Why? Because he is a liar and he desires to see us live our lives as liars. But why would anyone ever want to be like the pious, judgmental, perfect Christians that they see? It only offers more shame - just what the Enemy wants. This is why I call it a poison. It permeates the Church and leaves the rest of the world in resistance of ever wanting to follow the Christ that all of these unloving, lieing, perfect Christians claim to love and follow.
It pains me. May I live my days in the freedom and love of the Lord who makes this imperfect, shallow, unloving, prideful heart whole. As a result, the walls around my heart will be knocked down, giving room for the Lord to enter as King and others to enter my life. I will be more free and able to love and be loved by others and by my Savior.
I thought that I was too strong, too "put together," too tough to ever be broken. Today, I am thanking God that that isn't so.
And then I came to the end of myself. This "perfect" life had become a poison. I cringe when I think of how easily others considered me to be this perfect girl who led a perfect life. How disgusting. How fake. How unloving and pious and ugly and ungenuine. How Pharaisaical. How displeasing to the Lord. It was an oxymoron of a life, really; I was striving so hard to please the Lord so perfectly that, in the process, I was really only displeasing Him.
Why do I say that? Because the Lord desires a relationship with us - a pure, humble, genuine relationship. He desires that we live in unity and love with one another. This includes serving, yes; it also sometimes includes letting our guards down, admitting that we truly are not perfect, and in humility considering others better than ourselves. This wasn't me. I was the girl with all of her walls up, never admitting any failures with anyone, and always (even if subconsciously) considering herself to be leading a much better, pure life than those around her.
How disgusting. How fake and unloving and pious and ugly and displeasing to the Lord.
"God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble" (James 4:6).
Ouch. Those words are like a piercing arrow to my heart. Really. It hurts. Again, it's an oxymoron, but although this verse hurts my heart because I know that I am prideful, it also just plain hurts my pride. God opposes me? No way. That is impossible. And in my stubborn pride I once again go back to my pharaisaical, Martha way of living.
How disgusting. How fake and unloving and pious and ugly and displeasing to the Lord.
How untruthful. In putting on the facade of "having it all together" and "never making a mistake" and "living a perfect life," I was living a complete and flat-out lie.
The truth is, I am not perfect. In bringing me to Moody Bible Institute, the Lord has been bringing me to terms with that fact. Here, I am broken. I am so, so imperfect. I thought that I knew everything there was to know about the Bible; every day, I am continuing to learn more and as a result, realizing just how much I do not know. I thought that I was a brilliant teacher; I have taken Studying and Teaching the Bible and Message Preparation for Women and have been brought to some of my lowest points in realizing how ineloquent I am. I thought that I was a wonderful leader; I am continually humbled every day by the amazing men and women of the Lord around me who lead in a way that I have never seen, let alone have been able to do myself. I thought that I was strong and unable to be broken by anyone or anything; thank the Lord, that isn't true either.
The truth is, I am more broken now than I ever have been in my life. The Lord has stripped me down of everything that I ever was or thought I was and is continually, slowly building me back up into who He wants me to be. It's beautiful. It's painful. It's lovely and it's hard and it's necessary. I do not want to enter the Lord's presence one day having lived my life as a lie before others - having put on the facade that somehow I am the only one on the planet who truly has it together. Because the truth is, only the Lord Jesus Christ truly had it all together. We are broken people in need of a Savior to make us whole. Thank the Lord, He has sent us that Savior.
In my brokenness, I am free. In my shortcomings and failures and mistakes, I am human. In my desperation and repentance to the Lord, I am healed. In my admittance to those around me that I am imperfect, I am free - free to love others and to be loved in return. What a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders - and only because it has been placed on the One who walked to Calvary for me. Praise Jesus. Thank you, Lord.
It brings tears to my eyes and a heaviness to my heart to think of this oxymoron of a life that I have lived. Pride is dangerous and subtle and directly of the Enemy of our souls, who desires to see us living these pent-up lives of poisonous perfection. Why? Because he is a liar and he desires to see us live our lives as liars. But why would anyone ever want to be like the pious, judgmental, perfect Christians that they see? It only offers more shame - just what the Enemy wants. This is why I call it a poison. It permeates the Church and leaves the rest of the world in resistance of ever wanting to follow the Christ that all of these unloving, lieing, perfect Christians claim to love and follow.
It pains me. May I live my days in the freedom and love of the Lord who makes this imperfect, shallow, unloving, prideful heart whole. As a result, the walls around my heart will be knocked down, giving room for the Lord to enter as King and others to enter my life. I will be more free and able to love and be loved by others and by my Savior.
I thought that I was too strong, too "put together," too tough to ever be broken. Today, I am thanking God that that isn't so.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Livin' the Ephesians 3:20 Life
Last night, as my hands were outstretched in praise to the Lord and the voices of about fifty other Moody students resounded around me in praise and surrender to our God, I smiled. As I sang out to my God that there is no other place that I'd rather be than right here in His love, I couldn't help but giggle a little. Suddenly the image of a blank piece of paper flashed across my mind. You may have heard the analogy that in surrendering our lives to the Lord, He hands us a blank piece of paper and asks us to sign our name at the bottom - no disclaimers, no "buts", no strings attached - just simply signing our name in complete surrender to all of the details that the Lord would fill in about our lives. Sometimes, that scares me. Sometimes, I wish I would have signed my name in pencil so that I could go back and erase it. Yesterday, it just made me smile.
God is not a God who is "somewhere out there." He is not aloof from us, far out of our reach, or only there when He has time to be. No, the Lord is a personal God who loves each and every one of us in a personal, intimate, passionate way. When He asks us to "sign our life away", He does not laugh in mockery; He does not sit up on His Throne and laugh a sinister laugh of selfish pleasure, as if He is a dictator pleased that we have agreed to be under His dictatorship.
No, the Lord is Jehovah-Shammah, the Lord who is present with us (Ezekiel 48:35). He is Jehovah-Shalom, the Lord who is our Peace (Judges 6:24). He is Jehovah-Rohi, the Lord who is our Shepherd (Psalm 23:1).
This is the Lord who I serve, the Lord who I love and the Lord who loves me passionately. When I signed my life away, I did it with a smile - knowing that He is trustworthy, knowing that He is always present with me, knowing that He is my Peace, knowing that He is my Shepherd who leads and guides me and wants what is best for me. It is a Joy to know Him and to get to know Him more. The more that I know Him, the more I know whole-heartedly and with full assurance of faith that I can trust Him. And the more that I trust Him, the easier it is for me to relinquish control of my life to Him. When I say that it is a Joy to honor and serve and live for the Lord, I truly mean that it is a Joy.
"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us..." (Ephesians 3:20)
It is an Ephesians 3:20 life, this life that He has given me. Thank you, Kimberly Wagner, for reminding me of this Truth. The Lord has given me a life that I have sometimes been too afraid and too doubtful to even ask for. He has given me a life that I never thought possible. Why? According to the power at work within me... Not power that is my own; no, this is the Power of God. And that is why I rejoice, that is why I smile, that is why I am so full of Joy and Peace. "It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me" (Galatians 2:20).
Of course, there are things in my life that are not easy. There are things that the Lord has had to so lovingly pry my stubborn fingers off of so that I could experience the freedom of letting go and allowing the Lord to have control. There have been times when I was so discouraged, I did not want to get back up again. There have been times when I almost missed out on this Ephesians 3:20 life because of my own doubts and fears. Looking back, I cannot believe that I am where I am today; it is only by God's Grace that I am able to say that the Lord has done "far more abundantly than all that" I "ask or think, according to the power at work within" me....
"...to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen" (Ephesians 3:21).
Amen. May I continue to know, love, and trust Him more as I follow in this path that He has set before me. I am loving living this Ephesians 3:20 life; it is my heart's desire that everyone would experience this Joy and Peace and Love and Life that is in Christ Jesus my Lord. To God be the glory!
God is not a God who is "somewhere out there." He is not aloof from us, far out of our reach, or only there when He has time to be. No, the Lord is a personal God who loves each and every one of us in a personal, intimate, passionate way. When He asks us to "sign our life away", He does not laugh in mockery; He does not sit up on His Throne and laugh a sinister laugh of selfish pleasure, as if He is a dictator pleased that we have agreed to be under His dictatorship.
No, the Lord is Jehovah-Shammah, the Lord who is present with us (Ezekiel 48:35). He is Jehovah-Shalom, the Lord who is our Peace (Judges 6:24). He is Jehovah-Rohi, the Lord who is our Shepherd (Psalm 23:1).
This is the Lord who I serve, the Lord who I love and the Lord who loves me passionately. When I signed my life away, I did it with a smile - knowing that He is trustworthy, knowing that He is always present with me, knowing that He is my Peace, knowing that He is my Shepherd who leads and guides me and wants what is best for me. It is a Joy to know Him and to get to know Him more. The more that I know Him, the more I know whole-heartedly and with full assurance of faith that I can trust Him. And the more that I trust Him, the easier it is for me to relinquish control of my life to Him. When I say that it is a Joy to honor and serve and live for the Lord, I truly mean that it is a Joy.
"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us..." (Ephesians 3:20)
It is an Ephesians 3:20 life, this life that He has given me. Thank you, Kimberly Wagner, for reminding me of this Truth. The Lord has given me a life that I have sometimes been too afraid and too doubtful to even ask for. He has given me a life that I never thought possible. Why? According to the power at work within me... Not power that is my own; no, this is the Power of God. And that is why I rejoice, that is why I smile, that is why I am so full of Joy and Peace. "It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me" (Galatians 2:20).
Of course, there are things in my life that are not easy. There are things that the Lord has had to so lovingly pry my stubborn fingers off of so that I could experience the freedom of letting go and allowing the Lord to have control. There have been times when I was so discouraged, I did not want to get back up again. There have been times when I almost missed out on this Ephesians 3:20 life because of my own doubts and fears. Looking back, I cannot believe that I am where I am today; it is only by God's Grace that I am able to say that the Lord has done "far more abundantly than all that" I "ask or think, according to the power at work within" me....
"...to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen" (Ephesians 3:21).
Amen. May I continue to know, love, and trust Him more as I follow in this path that He has set before me. I am loving living this Ephesians 3:20 life; it is my heart's desire that everyone would experience this Joy and Peace and Love and Life that is in Christ Jesus my Lord. To God be the glory!
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