Thursday, May 5, 2011

Knocking Down that Brick Wall...

I am so... sad. I don't know that I am ready to become the person that the Lord is asking me to become. Sometimes I am excited. Other times, like tonight, I am apprehensive... torn... doubtful... I recognize each feeling as an attack of the Enemy because feelings cannot be trusted. And I do not trust them. I am just expressing how I feel because I am very broken...

*Why would You send me so many hours away from my family, my best friends, and all that I know and love?

*Why would You ask me to go to a Bible Institute where every student is trained for ministry?

*Why would You send me alone?

I am scared. I am terrified! I am already broken over the ones I love so much whom the Lord is asking me to leave. Why? I don't understand why. What is the reason? I don't even know that.

All I know is that He is asking me to "Go" and I must Go.

All I know is that He promises that He will always be with me, that He will never leave me.

That is all I know. That is all I need to know.

It is just hard. So very, very hard. I would be inhuman if I thought it was easy... Because it is not. I do believe it is the hardest thing He's asked me to do so far in life.

It scares me to think about what this could be preparing me for... as my first mission trip to Chuuk, which I thought was so impossible, has prepared me in so many ways for leaving home to go to a Bible college far away.

Every step is a step closer. I only have one Light, and it is the Word which is a lamp unto my feet. Only as I take a step can I see any farther ahead. I must continue on in faith.

I must break down the brick wall that seems to tower over me. It is a high, thick, and wide brick wall that looms before me. It is the wall that stands between me and the destiny that God has set before me. This is where rubber meets the road. This is where I make the decision of whether I am going to go the hard way and knock down that rough brick wall, as painful as it will be... Or whether I am going to turn around and walk away from that wall, ever wondering what is beyond it... ever regretting that I turned away.

No. NO. I cannot turn away. I resolve not to turn away. I recognize the doubts, the fears, the anxieties, the bitterness, the resentment all as attacks of the Enemy on my very life... for I know that he comes to steal and kill and destroy my life and all of the blessings that the Lord intends to bestow upon it.

This life is Yours, Father... to have and to hold, to use and to mold... Forever Yours.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

Wow Molly this post really breaks more ways than you will ever know. I try so hard each day to prepare myself for what the Lord may have for you, but I find it to be one of the most difficult things in life that I may ever have to do. I am torn and yet at the same time I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for you. Nothing could ever prepare me for this time in your life, but I know that the Lord goes before me in ALL things and will give me the peace to accept whatever or wherever the Lord leads you in your life journey for Him. I love you so much Molly! And I need to thank you for your wisdom and your heart for the Lord. I don't know what I would do without you in my life. You will always be so very special to me Molly! Thank you for showing me again and again and again your love for Christ!!!!