A Change of Heart

I am sitting here thinking and dreaming and wondering. Haiti has been on my mind and heart so much lately. I know that with the recent devastating earthquake, almost everyone's mind has been reverted to Haiti, even if only for a moment. However, there is a story behind this for me. I shared about it a little in previous posts, posts written about my previous missions trip to Chuuk, Micronesia. It is an interesting and bittersweet thing; an exciting and scary and wonderful piece of this amazing journey that the Lord is taking me on.

When I was in the airport in Chuuk, saying good-bye to the people who came to see us off, an interesting thing was going on inside of my heart. Yes, it was a true tug-of-war within my heart. The women and children stood in a line and handed us necklaces as our farewell gifts; Mahlie gave me mine. They asked me in anticipation, "Are you coming back next year?" All I could do was smile and say, "I want to." It was the honest truth, and yet I knew that what I wanted was not what the Lord wanted for me. There, in that small airport, on a small tropical island, the Lord was tugging at my heart and whispering into it: "Haiti, Haiti, Haiti". Haiti? I can still see the Chuukese children waving wildly from the window as I passed through security and turned around for one last moment with them, sealed with a smile. My next step was a hard one; it was one of letting go, of moving forward, of saying good-bye. I turned around and took that step.

As I sat in the small airport on one of the bright blue chairs, I began to cry. This could not be the end. God must lead me back to these people some day; perhaps I was misunderstanding God's true call. But I knew that it was no mistake and I knew that it was not a miscommunication. God was not calling me back to these children next year, to this tropical island in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, to this place where my heart fell in love with life and reckless faith ~ where my eyes were opened and where my life was changed.

It has been a long and hard and painful journey, but I have come to be okay with that. Somehow, amidst all of the times I have cried out to God to please send me back to Chuuk; to let me go to Chuuk, because I will go to Haiti too; to give me both; to let me live there again; to let me go back ~ Somehow, amidst all of this, the Lord has changed my heart. He has taught me so much of what it means to let go.

And for this, I am forever grateful. The Lord took this heart that was yearning for something else to yearn for Haiti. He turned my passions in a different direction and taught me how to fall in love with a country before I even lived there for a short time... because that is what I am going to do. I am going to live in Haiti for a short time on my next missions trip. A few months ago, I would have said this with remorse. Tonight, I am saying it with excitement.

The recent earthquake is not turning my heart away from this country. In fact, it is drawing me towards it. I feel as though there is a magnetic field between my heart and this country of Haiti, and I am being strongly drawn and attracted to it. This is only the working of the Lord, because He gave me a complete heart change for which I am thankful and excited about.

When I hear of Haiti as an "island country", it makes me smile. He is sending me back to an island. I cannot understand what the Lord is doing in my heart because it is just too big for me to grasp. I cannot fathom His great love for me because it is just too GREAT for me to wrap my mind around.

All I can say is thank You, Father... I cannot wait for the rest of this journey to unfold.

Dreaming God's Way

So I don't think that I have ever written on my blog twice in the same night... but this is important. This is urgent. I did not realize it, but I let my heart stop dreaming...

My heart has forgotten how to remember and to dream in the right way. The Lord is taking me on an amazing journey and I am afraid that through the busyness of school, college classes, work, and everything in between I have forgotten. It saddens my heart beyond words. I just went back and read what I had posted when I returned from Chuuk and my heart filled with sadness and joy and my eyes filled with tears all at the same time.

The dangerous thing about this is that my heart is missing what is behind... it is yearning for it to return again and that is getting in the way of what the Lord wants for me right now.

These new eyes that the Lord has given me are hard to use. Sometimes I wish I could close them because life would be so much easier to live that way. I wouldn't know the things that I know. I wouldn't be at this place where I am continually being called out of my comfort zone. I wouldn't see America the way that I do and so my bitterness would not be so prone to rising up against my own country.

Yet it are these new eyes that are helping me to see Jesus more clearly... It are these new eyes that are helping me to know more of what it means to follow Him. It are these new eyes that are helping me to see the poor and the needy as people who need Jesus' love and as people who I want to bring it to. It are these new eyes that are helping me to fall more and more in love with Jesus and less and less in love with the things of this world.

It are these new eyes that are showing me what faith truly is.

These new eyes strain ahead even when it is easier to live in the past... They look ahead and press towards the goal that my Lord has laid out for me.

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:13-14

The Lord has set out my present in just the way that He wants it... may I always remember what He has done for me in the past; may I always remember every piece of the Journey because it reminds me and gives me a deeper perspective of His great love for me... But may I strain toward what is ahead, pressing on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. May I never forget what He has done and where He has taken me. May I never forget how to dream. May I always remember to strain ahead without looking back; to move forward with no hesitation.

May the future unfold beautifully...

It is an empty page to me, but to God it is a book of wonders written out by His own Hand.

This Journey...

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately... about life, about my future, about God, about people, about America, about my journey. God has given me new passions and new visions and it is a very exciting life living with Him. Sometimes I just can't get over how blessed I am to be able to call this God my Friend and my Savior. It is very humbling.

When I allow my heart to dream, it seems that something always comes in and tries to discourage it. Something that has really been burning on my heart lately is this: "We need missionaries in America, too; you were born here for a reason and are meant to stay here." It is something that I have been told many times by people. It is something that could discourage many plans that the Lord may one day have for me if I were to follow this.

I do not believe that this quote is true for everyone. But am I meant to stay here? Well that is a question that the Lord must answer. However, this quote fuels a fire inside of my heart whenever I hear someone say it. If everyone were to follow that, ministries would not have been started that have effected other people in countries who have never even heard the Name of Jesus. Many people who are now saved would have never been saved.

When I hear the statistics that only 2% of U.S. missionaries go to unreached people groups, my heart aches. When I hear the statistics that 95% of Christian leaders live in the U.S., my heart is set ablaze. When I hear the statistics that nearly 2 billion people have no exposure to the Gospel, my heart races. When I hear the quote, "We need missionaries in America, too; you were meant to stay here" on top of these statistics, it is hard for me to not get angry.

I think of Abraham. His journey is amazing. It is filled with such faith and obedience. God called him to a distant land... and he followed. He did not say, "But Lord! You placed me here to stay here. If you wanted me over there, You would have placed me there in the first place!" No, Abraham knew that the part of his journey in the place where God had him was over... the Lord was calling him to a new place and into a new season of life.

I think of Paul. If he would have continued on being Saul on that journey to Damascus, many people would not be saved. It is amazing to think that Paul was once a man who persecuted and murdered Christians... and then we read about him in the same Bible as one of the greatest Christian missionaries. It is amazing to think that maybe I am one of his spiritual descendants... one of the ones who was saved as a result of someone who Paul witnessed to years ago. It is exciting and it is proof that sometimes the Lord calls us to places that we once never intended to go ~ places other than those which we now call home... places that one day we will call home.

Yes, I think of people like Abraham and Paul and great missionaries and I have to question this quote: "You were meant to stay here." It is as if those words are a big sigh of relief to the one who is afraid ~ of a new place other than the one that they know and are comfortable with, of difficulty, of a hard road, of going out of their comfort zone, of leaving this place that they call home. YES, that once described me and it does describe me many times... And yes, it is true for some to stay in America as missionaries (how would our fellow Americans know about Jesus?)... But it is not fair to claim that it is true for all.

I would love to live a life with this quote as my life quote, with this as my legacy:

"Lord, You placed me here for a reason. I am to witness to those around me now. Yet it is my complete desire to follow You to wherever it is that You lead me. Whether that be a long and hard journey like those of Abraham and Paul or whether it be that You keep me here, let it be so. I just want You. I just want what You want. I was born here for a reason and I was placed on this journey for a reason; but perhaps this is not where You will always have me be. Make my heart ready for wherever it is that You want me and wipe away all of my fears. Let it be so."

The Real Problem

God has been teaching me lately that I must learn to love my own people. The Americans. The ones whom I came back to this summer and were bitter towards. The ones who have turned their many blessings into curses. The ones who are absorbed in material possessions. The ones who have kicked God out of public schools. The ones who live in this society of pleasure and possessions. The ones who turn this beautiful life into a rat-race of achieving the American dream. Yes, these are the ones. These are the people I am a part of. I am one of them.

I am the problem.

Perhaps it has taken me a while to realize that. Perhaps it has taken a lot of humbling from my bitterness to come to this conclusion. I now realize that this is true. I am an American. I was born in America for a reason. As much as I yearn to get out of this society and out of this culture at times, I am here. God has placed me here "for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14). Until He leads me to another country, I am an American. I must realize this because this is the truth.

So, if I am the problem, what am I doing to solve it? Bitterness does nothing but cause hatred towards others. Pride does nothing but cause me to fall. Humbleness and surrender and love, however... These are what change things. These are what cause American hearts to soften. These are what cause the homeless of America to have hope. These are what cause the depressed and lonely ones of my city to be held in arms of love and to be comforted. These are what cause the blind ones who have no hope for anything other than what the American dream has to offer them to see what great things are in store for those "who love God and who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). These are what pierce bitterness and pride. A heart of surrender is a heart willing to give up - hopeless plans, dreams, aspirations, and desires of our own - and to pick up His for us. A heart of surrender yields a life of fulfillment. It is only when God is leading my life and when HE is the center of my life that my life means anything at all. My life is nothing except what God makes it to be. It is all about Him.

Yes, I am the problem. I must learn to love the people that God has placed around me... the Americans. My people.

Yesterday I was driving down the road and saw two little girls running down the street after school, laughing. It made me smile; it made my heart smile! These are the ones who God has placed me with. These are the people I am a part of.

Lord, show me how to love. Show me how to have an open heart to You and to these people You have placed me with. You died for them just as much as You died for me. They can have as much hope as I have. They are just as much created by You as all of those in the poverty-stricken countries. The truth is, they are also poor... You are showing me that. Some materially, but most spiritually... And by Your Grace, I am rich with Your Salvation. Thank You, Jesus! May I have the obedience and humbleness to show them YOU and Your love. Amen!

Heart on Fire

My heart is on fire. What do I do with this passion? More than that, what do I do with this holy dissatisfaction? I am very, very dissatisfied. I am not satisfied with the normal life that society is offering to me. I am not satisfied with the way that many Christians are living. I want so much more than this. I was made for more than this. This normal, American life is not what I want. It is not what I need. I find it more discouraging than satisfying. I find it more boring than exciting. It is not appealing to me at all.

Something that is really firing up this passion are Christians. I am dissatisfied. I believe that Jesus asked much more of us than what we are giving. I believe that God made us for so much more than what we are living out.

When will we ever stand up? When will we ever get out of our comfortable seats and take a stand? When will we ever get out of our fancy homes and into the dark and dirty streets? When will we ever allow ourselves to mess up our "made up" American look and sit in the dirt with the least of these? When will we ever knock down the four walls of our beautiful cathedrals and welcome the "sinners" with open arms of love?

Even if it means that we are standing alone... and yet it should not be that way. We were never made to live this life alone. That is why God calls us the Body of Christ. Christians, if we are followers of God and ambassadors of Christ as we claim to be, then we must stand together! We must stand as one Body of Christ, as the Lord intended it and created it to be!

My heart is on fire. Something must be done. What do I do with this passion? I do not want to live the normal, mundane life that Americans live. If it means that the Lord sends me to another country where the normal is to have nothing, where the mundane is to go hungry... then Lord, lead me and give me strength! Or perhaps the Lord wants me to live here, in this society... Perhaps this passion can be used here. I am trying to learn to live life with open hands, with whatever it is that the Lord has for me.

Going to college out of high school, getting a successful career, getting married, having kids, buying a house, a car, saving for retirement, retiring, and dying... Is that really what the American society has to offer me? I must kindly refuse this... this is not what I was born for. This, my fellow Americans, is not what I want.

Lord, teach me more of what it means to follow You. Teach me more of what it means to see this world through Your eyes. Teach me more of what it means to live life with open hands. Teach me to follow You and to never run ahead of You. I never want to be able to look back and see Your face. Please, go ahead of me and lead me always...

A Big Dreamer with a Bit of Fear...

So, it is a new year now... 2010 already! I do not believe that there are adequate words to describe the incredible journey that the Lord has taken me on this past year. I also do not believe that the journey began with the beginning of 2009 or that it closed with the end of 2009. This journey is a journey-of-a-lifetime... in every sense of the phrase! It is the most exciting endeavor I have ever pursued and I am very excited for what the Lord has for 2010! I know that there are going to be hard times, but overall I believe with all of my heart that it is going to be a good year.

Today at church my pastor's message really spoke to my heart. He was talking about how God is a God of vision. If He were not, we would not be here. The world would not be here. He would still be living in eternity, but He would not have created the world and He would not have created us. We must also have a vision - a dream! - for our lives. God didn't create us so that we could just exist. He created us to LIVE... to dream... to have vision and to carry out that vision by His strength. He created us to carry out His work. The most successful people in history have always been the ones who have had a goal, a plan, a vision, a dream... What about me?

Me... well, I am a big dreamer. I always have been and probably always will be. However, oftentimes I have been too scared to dream big. "Dream big?" the world says... "Why dream big? You need to think realistically!" Well, I believe that to dream big when serving such a faithful, possible, all-powerful God is to dream realistically. If I really believe that God is who He says He is - all-powerful, awesome, faithful - then wouldn't it be a contradiction to have little dreams and little faith while at the same time serving and following and living for God? I believe so.

Yet, there is something that easily gets in the way of that... Fear... it is an overwhelming sickness. No, more than that. It is a bondage. It is as if there are chains with "fear, fear, fear" written all over them that fasten and secure themselves tightly around hearts and souls all over the world. The fear to dream and to have big faith seems to want to quickly fasten its chains around my heart. That is how I started out the new year - fearful and afraid to dream big dreams and it left me miserable.

Thank You, Jesus, for releasing the chains!

I cannot go on living life in fear of dreaming big dreams, of living out large faith, of radically living for my King, of pursuing His life for me... To live in fear of these things suffocates and chokes my heart and I cannot live like that.

I believe with all of my heart that big dreams with big faith and an awesome God equal a life of excitement and fulfillment... a life greater than anything I could ever ask for or imagine! Great things are yet to come and great things are still to be done here!

Passion Re-Ignited

Not long ago, I felt as if I were on the edge, sitting on the fence. One foot was clutched by the hand of satan, who was filling my mind with doubts and fears about this mission that the Lord had called me on. The other was ready to jump into the journey. The little spark in my heart was ready to ignite and it would take something bigger to turn it into a flame. Perhaps I was not yet ready to let go, to ignite the passion, to jump in.

The Lord is faithful. Five months ago He took me off the fence and on a journey almost 9,000 miles away that has completely changed my life. Yet that journey did not begin or end in Chuuk, Micronesia. That journey was just a small part of the big picture and the big journey that the Lord has for me.

Do I sometimes have doubts about where the Lord is sending me? Yeah, satan would love to see me back on the fence. Am I sometimes afraid? Of course. Is God bigger than all of this? Most definitely. And that is what keeps me going.

Yet I am bothered. No, disturbed. I am disturbed and distressed over America. I felt this way when I stepped foot onto American soil five months ago from being in Chuuk, Micronesia for three weeks. It was only three weeks and yet I am hurt! Bothered, distressed, crying out... Yes, I am blessed. I am truly blessed to have the freedoms that I do in this country and I thank God for them. I am so very thankful for everything that the Lord has blessed me with. However, I remember the feelings that I felt when I returned from Chuuk. I was mad at McDonald's, Wal-Mart, short skirts and shorts, tight jeans, the fashion, material things. I wanted to just give everything away. Over the past five months, it seems that that feeling has faded a little and I have enjoyed living an American lifestyle.

I don't know what has happened in the past few days, but that passion has returned. I think it may have to do with a few very great, encouraging girls that the Lord has blessed me with. I think it may have to do with a few challenges along the way. I think it may have to do with seeking the Lord and Him opening my eyes to a few things.

I am not completely sure, but I am sure that it is there. I am not sure exactly what to do with it right now, but it is there - strongly! Ultimately, America is not my home. My home is in Heaven ~ and on this journey on the way, I may live in many temporary homes. Yet it is not final... and I believe with all of my heart that the Lord has something greater! There are great things yet to come, I just know it! My heart may cry over the temporary things of this earth that pain my heart and disturb my soul, but that is just the thing... it is all temporary.

The passion is there. That is for sure. Before it starts to fade, I must feed it so that it can burn more brightly and powerfully than ever before. I must feed it with wood, with solid things. I cannot feed it with water, with those things that are liquid and changing. I must feed it with God's Word, by seeking Him, by talking with Him, by following Him where He leads.

Although where He is leading me this year is not where He led me last year, I am excited. I know that there are little boys and girls like Shawn, Ann, LuAnn, Wilson, Mahlie, Dernes, Winston, Mikey, Mykie, Welson, Jerlyn and Ervian all over the world... and even here in America.

"Now that I have seen, I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead. Now that I have held you in my own arms, I cannot let go..."
~"Albertine", Brook Fraser