I haven't posted on here in almost two months! You guys have probably left my blog by now! I hope some of you are still out there...
I have been going through a rough time in my relationship with Christ lately. It was getting to the point where He didn't feel personal to me anymore. He didn't feel like mine. People would talk about Him, and I would believe what they said, but I wouldn't take it to heart and grasp it as mine. I didn't have that close, intimate, personal relationship with Christ. He didn't leave me. I chose to quietly, slowly, walk away from Him, tiptoe by tiptoe. Why? I really don't know. I think it was a mixture of doubt and rebellion. Two of the most dangerous sins that I could commit.
I didn't really talk to anyone about this, and that hurt me even more. It got to the point where I had to ask someone for prayer, so I asked two people that I look up to if they would pray for me. They said that they would, I thanked them, and that was that. I continued to tiptoe away...
I realized that I couldn't live this way anymore. There was no way that I could continue on without my personal, intimate relationship with Christ. He was my everything, and without Him, I was nothing. Sure, I was still talking to God everyday, but it wasn't personal. It was more of a "thing I have to do". I wasn't reading the Bible every day anymore. I was serving Him by helping out at church, but it was more of a chore and not a joy. I had become numb and dehydrated. It wasn't until a good message at youth group about being away from the source of Living Water [Jesus] and becoming dehydrated did I really surrender my life over to Christ once again.
I wanted to become a new person. I didn't want to live the way that I was anymore. No, I hadn't turned totally away from God. No, those that I didn't tell didn't know that I was feeling this way. But I needed to break out of this bondage that I was in. It was almost as if I was in a depression. A subtle depression. I didn't feel joy. Only numbness. I couldn't focus in school or church. I felt like I couldn't pray.
I think I fear commitment. It's not that I fear that God will turn His back on me or forget me, because I know that He would never do that. But I think that I fear totally committing myself to Him out of fear that He'll let me down. Yet He promises so many times in Scripture that He knows and wants what's best for me! He promises that He holds me in His arms! He promises that I am His child because I have chosen to accept and follow Him! So why do I fear committment? I'm still not totally sure. Let's just say that satan has really been attacking my heart a lot lately.
I feel that I have slowly broken away from the depression and numbness. Only God can make me whole. God is all that I need. I need Him so badly. To deny or doubt or not trust Him is a dangerous thing! I thank my God that He has pulled me out of this pit that I fell into. He is my Solid Rock, my Redeemer, my Savior, my Lord. But more than that, He is my best friend. And I thank Him so much for not giving up on me - ever.
You know, only a true friend would pursue you and knock on your heart because He wants you back. Yet God doesn't pursue you until He gets you back. He doesn't want to make you come to Him. He wants you so badly, so desperately - yet He waits for you. He wants you to be willing to go to Him. He doesn't want you to go to Him begrudgingly. And so He waits for you. Only a true friend would do that.
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."